|
I'm starting a new LJ and closing this one down. The reason for it's inception no longer exists, so I plan on redirecting the energy to another LJ venture.
The new music LJ will still have song inspiration, lyrics, thoughts and rehearsal notes, only it will mainly focus on the research & development of a solo project and act as a space for collecting songs that might serve this venture well.
I will make the first post today, a re-posting of the manifesto from the previous entry in this journal. I will also post the username here for ease of "friending."
Thanks for all your comments and support at boreasflame. See you on the other side.
Borea, Jenn
EDIT: New LJ is here: http://ranarop.livejournal.com/ or ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1) ranarop |
|
Last night I met with Don. It's been two weeks since he submitted his "resignation" to the band, two weeks I spent pondering the roots of my initial reaction to the news, among other things.
During the meeting, when Don aired his feelings about leaving, I couldn't help but think that there was something he wasn't saying, something deeper than whatever artistic reasons he rambled on about. Why else would I have felt so shocked, so angry, so frustrated? Thankfully, I held my tongue that night, saying very little outside of what must be true for us all, that I'd have to be fine with whatever happened. But I knew the feelings I had were valid, and I took them away with me that night to unravel so that I could locate their core and share them with Don, et all, when I was under control and able to speak rationally without the possibility of saying something I didn't mean, or worse, that I would regret.
Probably my first and most frustrating issue was that Don never shared any of his internal struggle with the band. For approximately six months I could feel him slowly detaching, a time when he claims he was feeling a need to pour himself into Shades of Winter yet not feeling as though anyone else wished to do the same. Had he shared these feelings, this personal conflict (or what felt like one to him), perhaps he could have been better supported, even encouraged. But instead, he took what he felt as resistance to mean that no one else was as committed or as into pushing the band further and he, in turn, vented that creative energy through other ventures. This issue of mis-/non- communication continues to crop up in this entry, and the faults lie with each member of the band. I, admittedly, should have questioned Don when I noticed his disengagement, but at that point it was difficult to know whether it was something wrong with Shades of Winter or just the fact that he had other projects to think about.
So, the decision Don reached came from stewing on a "series of events" that fueled doubts and assumptions he felt he'd experienced, adding layer upon layer to what eventually became a sort of artistic misery. He must have felt he had no other option than to escape what he felt was the source, and, indeed, he did just that.
The announcement came as a surprise, I think it's safe to say, to everyone else in the band, if for the simple fact that we were never let in on the specific issues at the time of their occurrence. We, as a band, might have been able to work them out, or at the very least, reach an amiable compromise if allowed. Alas, it did not, and the decision to "break-up" the band rested on the decision of one. Even after hearing his explanation again last evening, I find that I am still disappointed, still frustrated at the idea that all of this might have been circumvented. But then, how can one be expected to undo the damage of six months of thinking, assuming, presuming in a single night? It simply isn't possible.
My second issue stems from the way the agenda was delivered. Don very much focused on himself, his feelings, his decision. I felt this the most unfair considering there were three other members of the band family who might have been better considered in the dissolution. Even dysfunctional families can make things work, even though it can be difficult and draining, it is more often worth it than not. Don focused so much on his artistic dissatisfaction that I began, at the time, to think it was a cover for something else. I think that the most acceptable artistic struggle is creative differences, a lack of artistic challenge and satisfaction, and I think that excuse has become a crutch and a cop-out, an acceptable means for jettisoning oneself from other issues one wishes not to deal with. Don assured me that this was not the case. But as I said to him, his delivery made his decision feel like a bad romantic break-up where the excuse given is "it's not you, it's me." And just as in break-up's where that excuse is used, I couldn't help but feel as though it really was me. I won't disclose too much of what I have heard of the other members feelings, but I do know I am not alone with that thought. I can't say I truly believe that it wasn't me, despite Don's "series of events" reasoning from last night.
The third issue is that all of it seemed premeditated. Certainly, it would be hard not to seem so after discovering that another's decision is based on six months of cloistered internal struggle. So much time to think and plan and dream of "better" things--no wonder. But even more-so this issue stems from the fact that Don disclosed during the announcement that he already had a list of names to pursue for a new project, this kind of dream band. And therein lies my forth issue as well, wrapped up neatly in the delivery of such a blow--band member exclusivity.
Now, when I brought this up to Don last night I was better able to understand how he came to this decision, but during the meeting it came to me personally as a slap in the face. When Don and I met over two years ago, we go together to have coffee and conversation a the Open Eye Cafe in Carrboro (where we met again last night, by my design). There we discussed an issue we both had noticed, that being the closed nature, the exclusivity and cliquishness of the Chapel Hill music scene. No one wanted to play with anyone else, it was hard to even find other folks to jam with because it seemed they felt like they were "cheating" on their band, or that they simply could not due to some sort of crazy verbal contract along those lines. It was such a shock to me upon arrival and it had frustrated me for years. Then I had the fortune of meeting Don, someone who felt that as well and who thought it would be a great idea to start a kind of counter movement. We talked about a culture of musicians that was incestuous, organic, more concerned with sharing music, musicians, and knowledge than anything else. We talked about a collective, a record label, big dreams. Big dreams, but I don't think unreachable ones, unreasonable ones. I thought we were on that path. I thought Shades of Winter was that genesis point. I thought it was okay and even encouraged to have other projects to share music with, share knowledge between. So to hear this announcement of having an exclusive band, something where everyone in the band was committed only to it, focused only on it, without the seeming distraction of other projects, I was speechless. I had no idea of the motive behind this, that "series of events" that would have led Don so far from our first discussion that night at the Open Eye. I felt betrayed initially, and now, after hearing his rationale, determined to continue working in that inspired ideal.
I'm glad that Don and I gave each other the opportunity to talk honestly. I feel like we both benefited and he mentioned plans to have this sort of discussion with the other members of Shades of Winter. I think that is the only fair thing to do, and that everyone would benefit just as we did. And while I think this will be a wound I lick for a while, I don't think that what remains of our relations is unsalvegable. I wish him the best of luck in his new venture and I hope he finds the artistic fulfillment he was missing in Shades of Winter.
What follows is a manifesto. I believe in creative liberty. I believe that everyone is in control of their creative destiny, however inspired by outside or omnipotent energies. I believe that knowledge and talent in music is meant to be given as a gift to others. Just as there are no restrictions on generosity, nor should there be on music. Music should be made for all ears, all ages, all walks of life. And ears of all ages, all walks of life, should be able to participate in the creation of music equally. Each person is responsible for their creative Self. It is the responsibility of each creative individual to determine when they are, for example, over-extended, or not giving as much as they would like to creation. Just as when one is ill, one should consider taking time to rest in the creative process as one rests to recover from sickness of the body. Sickness of the mind can damage creation, but again, this can only be decided by the individual. I believe that all creative energy is to be respected, from an outpouring to a trickle. I believe everyone in the creative culture should feel nurtured and encouraged and that constructive criticism should not be taboo. Just as a parent shares their knowledge of lessons learned, so should creative artists with each other, without anyone feeling better or belittled. This is my belief. I mean to put it into action starting now.
Who's with me? Current Mood:  determined Current Music: Warsaw Village Band |
|
In what was probably one of the final rehearsals of Shades of Winter, Don gave his "resignation," as he calls it in this copied entry from his blogspot blog.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007 Change can be a fucking scary thing! Scary but sometimes necessary in order to be where you want and need to be in life. Tonite I turned in my resignation to Shades of Winter. After September 29th, I will no longer be performing with them. Why? Change. I needed something else. Something new and something that I could throw everything I have into and know that I was going to get it back. No fault of the band... This is just what I need and what I want to do with music. I have so many expectations of where I wanna be, what I wanna do, how I wanna do it. It could prove to be successful and make me happy, it could crash and burn. But this is something I need to know.
For the first time in all my years of doing this as a solo act, I feel FINALLY ready to take this to the next level. To put a band together. A band of people that can dedicate themselves to this and give to me as much as I want and need to give. Shades of Winter was a casual band. A project of sorts that gradually grew into something that it just couldn't be for me. By leaving, I am now going to able to focus and dedicate my energy to my vision and my direction. Again, i'm not shooting for the big time. I'm not shooting for fame and fortune. I'm shooting for that level of happiness and achievement as a singer and songwriter. I'm going to do the things that I only talked about but yet never felt I could do. I ready for that.
What if I crash? Well, I crash but at least I can say to myself that I gave it my all. That time is here now... Oh boy... Here we go... I didn't say much during the meeting. I simply didn't know what to say. I am in mourning.
Current Mood:  disappointed Current Music: Disappointment by The Cranberries |
|
Date: 05 June 2007
Time: 7:30 p.m. EDT
Location: Don's Music Room
This was the first full band rehearsal in about 6 weeks. It was nice to have everyone back together, and there was what seems to be the obligatory chat session before starting. I was cool with that, but I also knew Don wanted to try to get through the whole set and so I was ready to roll pretty quickly after checking in with everyone.
We rehearsed with the PA, but this became more about technical difficulties adjusting levels etc., and because we hadn't used it in some time, it took a while to re-adjust our ears too. We got through all but Anthem, DePoe Bay (which I don't know if we're really using now, due to some heavy critiques in the not too distant past), and Bad America. Everything else sounded good, fueled by our having not played them in a while, I think. We hit the harmonies on 13 Years on the first try, and when we left that song last they were a bit creaky.
I found myself getting annoyed easily last night, and I don't know if it was due to work or because of some really unnecessary fretting going on. I realize that Don is stressed out about his upcoming CD release and preparations for that, and I think on all fronts there is still some concern for Susie, but all the concern for how many rehearsals we have (with Susie only able to commit to every other week) before our next gig (16 August, BTW) was pointless. We had just rehearsed the set, and it sounded great, and the fact that we have ONLY four full band rehearsals, with four three member rehearsals, in between is nothing to be worried about. Considering the person missing rehearsals is the best person at improv and just picking things up by ear...I think we're in great shape. Again, I understand there is a lot of other factors in there, so I'll digress after one final remark: wasn't this band supposed to be fun??
Oh yeah, and we didn't talk about the name prospects at all. Don's leaning heavily on Bramble Road. Talk amongst yourselves...I'll loom.Current Mood: puzzled Current Music: Mothers of the Disappeared by U2 |
|
Date: 04 June 2007
Time: 7:30 p.m. EDT
Location: Jame's Room We chatted a bit before heading up to see the new instrument. James' new Acoustic bass finally arrived, and in good order. It sounds great! We played through the set, tunes with guitar and bass first, then the rest. Everything sounded good. The acoustic bass has such a different resonance than the electric, and I liked it a lot.
James brought up the prospect of advertising for a percussionist at the beginning of the fall semester. He asked if I thought we were ready for that, and in some ways I am, others not. I understand his point about seeming relegated to play coffeehouses until we have percussion, but considering we've only played two shows and will have one more in July, moving to clubs might be a bit premature yet. Of course, all of this is contingent on whether we find a percussionist in a short amount of time. It could be months. I felt for the beginning of the evening, and then again at the end, that James was trying to keep the conversation positive, upbeat. I have a tendency to vent about work and the hundred other negative (really, not so positive) things in my life. I think he's sick of hearing about it, which I totally understand considering my standing with a certain mutual friend. I took the hint, and when he asked about the good things happening in my life I did go off on that too. He heard more about the garden than I think he expected, but I'm a freak for it, so there it is. Things are just weird for me right now. It's so strange to want to be introspective in the summer, as that is not my normal cycle. There's been such a shift in my spiritual house that I want to devote all my energies to that area of my life, forsaking all others. But that isn't very responsible, is it? So I keep my commitments and try to fit study and spiritual practice into the gaps between. I really feel as though I have creative ADD.
|
| » Rehearsal: Protean Mean |
|---|
Date: 07 May 2007
Time: 7:45-10:30 p.m. EDT
Location: James' Room
We accomplished everything we planned, though we had a time trying to recall what all we said we would do this week. We caught up on our weekends, his in TX, mine here with other sorts of drama. Matte Kudasai is starting to shape up. This is refreshing. I need to learn the Neko Case, because I felt foolish not going for it when James began to play (in drop-D tuning...nice and droney).
Going to NY this weekend, so rehearsal will either be rescheduled or not at all next week.
May. 8th, 2007 @ 08:45 am
|
| » Rehearsal: Shades of Winter (?) |
|---|
Date: 01 May 2007
Time: 7:30 p.m. EDT
Place: Don's Music Room
Everyone was there to work on two new songs. Everything fell into place with just a couple of run-throughs and I think the will be so good when everyone creates their parts and really brings them to practice in two weeks. I'm excited about that!
We got to discussing band names. I mentioned James' suggestion of 'Bohica' since it does have a nice ring to it. It sounds like a mix between bohemian and hick. I guess that works in a sense. We came up with some other names too, Raddivarius and Grovishnu. The first is a concept band, and the more I think about it the more I like it. I don't know about anyone else, I think they thought I was pretty crazy. I DID attempt to draw the costumes (18th century inspired, but also rock inspired--think Marie Antoinette or Amadeus meets Moulin Rouge, meets Joan Jett. Black leather pieces and chrome, things verging on SBDM gear...complete with white powdered wigs!) and the more I thought about it, the more I thought it could work with the right band, the right music. I don't think it's for us, but there it is.
Grovishnu is based on a drawing Susie made on the white-board while we were in recording sessions in March. We were looking at it again last night (because it's still there and Don won't erase it because it is awesome!), and noticed that the head looked rather like Grover from Sesame Street. Well, the creature has four arms, and really troll-like legs (Don said steriods). As soon as someone said Grover, I started to write "Grovishnu" on the board next to the creature. We all had a laugh. I think it might offend people, but it does have a band name ring to it, and it looks interesting in print. It is certainly the name of our mascot if not a contender for our band name.
So, next week Don and I will meet to go over a disk of possible cover songs Don made for us. We'll talk about possibilities and perhaps even work on a few if time permits.
May. 2nd, 2007 @ 08:22 am
|
| » Rehearsal: Protean Mean |
|---|
Date: 30 April 2007
Time: 7:15 p.m. EDT
Place: James' Room
Didn't even open my case. We did talk about music during parts of the evening. Mostly I used him as an analyst for some new and lingering emotional situations from my family life. I apologized probably three times for monopolizing the evening with what are still quite raw spots in my emotional house. Ah, but he is gracious, and said that he loved talking to me (listening to me talk really). I'm glad. Sometimes we don't get enough "friend" time, you know. It's the same with Don. I guess PM was due a catch up on our lives chat. Sadly, mine seems ever more frustrating as the years go by.
We speculated on what it might be like to make music with our own clone...
Next week: Run through set, focusing on timing.
Matte Kudasai
Lady Pilot
Vocals on Amnesia
May. 1st, 2007 @ 08:10 am
|
| » Rehearsal: Shades of Winter (?) |
|---|
Date: 24 April 2007
Time: 7:30 p.m. EDT
Location: Don's Music Room
Just the two of us--kind of like old times. We had a bitch session, about work and 'rents and mundane crap like that. Then we got down to business. We have two new songs!
The first one Don played for me was called "Moonstepping." I don't want to give a way the concept, but it's songwriting like this that makes me love working with him. He says just what he needs to, without skimping on the details, gets the story across in an evocative yet concise way. Grrr! Anyway, I love the song, and can't wait to hear what Susie and Elana add to the sound! Lots of opportunity for MOOD!
The second song, called "Winds of Home," is sort of a cross between walking blues and gospel lament. I had fun singing that, slow build to some nice bluesy vocals to add power to some lines. The song is rather like a long crescendo and decrescendo in that regard--sounds like this looks <>
We recorded the sessions for Elana and Susie. We'll likely work on these next week, and probably run through the set with Elana and hopefully Susie.
Apr. 25th, 2007 @ 08:34 am
|
| » Rehearsal: Protean Mean |
|---|
Date: 23 April 2007
Time: 8:00 p.m. EDT
Place: James' Living Room
We put on a mini concert for Julie's parents for rehearsal. We played through the set and included Travelers, Merchants, and Masters and the unfinished Discovery of the West. They liked it very much. We were asked the question about the meaning of our name, and it's genesis. The answer is something we will have to work on and practice, as our delivery was a bit rough. It felt good playing intimately for semi-strangers. James seemed nervous to me, but it could have been the tight space we were situated in.
Afterwards, we had dessert and chatted about music and Harry Potter. Overall a good night.
Apr. 24th, 2007 @ 08:25 am
|
|
|
|
